My Journey To and Through Motherhood- Part 1

I always hated children, possibly because I never considered myself one, possibly because I was never taught to love them. Whenever I would watch a woman giving birth on the television screen, she was always screaming in terror and agony. I wanted no part of that. What could possibly be worth that kind of torture? Whenever I would think about the plans I had made for my life and all the great works I would do for God, I knew that a child would just get in the way. I would have to do less important things for the God I so wanted to serve. What could possibly be worth that downgrade in heavenly credit?

After being married for a year and a half, I found out that I was going to have a baby. Weeping and gnashing of teeth ensued. How was this possible? Did God not love me? Was this His way of punishing me? I felt alone, panicked, unqualified, unprepared, and angry. I had no idea how God would turn this form of evil into good.

These extreme emotions might be offensive to the more motherly type, those who have perhaps always wanted children. These extreme emotions would be so foreign to them that they would be outside the realm of comprehension. That is a good thing. However, my story would not be complete without the ugly details that come with having a sin nature and the lies of the world firmly entrenched in my mind.

Fast forward, I gave birth to a mid-sized baby girl named Lucy. I decided that I loved her and that I would just have to make the most of it because we were stuck with each other. I had no idea how to be a mother and was convinced that unless I figured it out, this child would be warped for life. I knew this meant I would have to change. I would have to give up being so selfish, so lazy. Thank God that He accepts us with all the insufficiencies we have and all the selfishness that ensnares us. Thank God that He loves us too much to leave us that way. Thank God for His mercies that are new every morning.

To be continued...