Marriage is Hard

Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you different is selling something. Sometimes our relationship seems perfect, and all the love I have in my heart for my husband comes gushing out in a torrent of affection and admiration. Other times our relationship is a mess, and I can’t believe I actually married that guy who’s sleeping next to me. My love grows cold, and I become distant. I’m not even conscious of the fact that I’m building up walls between us just so I don’t get hurt again or disappointed. By the time I realize the walls have been built, they are towering above me, seemingly impenetrable. Every time I build that wall, it gets harder and harder to tear down. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times in my 9 years of marriage this has happened.

As a Christian woman, it is a fine line to walk between being respectful of my husband’s reputation and being real about the struggles we face. We are so far from the perfect couple. We have seasons of feeling close and knowing God made us for each other. We also have seasons of feeling like strangers who tolerate each other’s company. I hate being in that season. I know that God wants better for us than that, but our selfishness and stubborn pride often find themselves between us and the better plan God has for us.

We are sinners, both in need of grace, and both in need of forgiveness. When all the garbage that festers below the surface of our relationship begins to boil over, we are in need of an intervention. We are in need of a God who can heal our hurts and fill that place in our hearts that longs for completeness. I won’t find wholeness in my husband. He won’t find wholeness in me.

I wish I could tell you that the first thing I do when our relationship starts falling apart is to pray. I usually don’t. My husband does. Every time, God has answered his prayer. Every time, God has intervened. Every time, we have felt the newness and love that comes with wholeness and a fresh start.

For some reason, I always believe that whatever we have just faced will be our last big challenge. I get it in my head that we will now be happy together from here until eternity. Then when another, different challenge pops up, I get disappointed. Here we go again. Why can’t this be easy? Why can’t things stay good the way they are?

God transforms us from glory to glory in our relationship with Him. I believe He does the same in our marriages. When He is invited to restore what is broken, He shows up. He uses the difficulties to transform us more into His image. That is the goal after all. Marriage can often be the tool He uses to chisel away at our pride. Marriage can be the refining fire that draws out the selfishness and self-consuming thoughts.

I don’t want to ask God why anymore. I want Him to rid me of the garbage that started this mess in the first place. I want Him to tear down the wall that I built until not even the foundation is left standing. I want to look like Him, and I want Him to do whatever it takes.

Making Friends

When I was a kid (and even a teenager), I really looked forward to making new friends and spending time with them. I loved the sleepovers where my new friend and I would share secrets that we would promise not to tell anyone else in the world. I believed in best friends forever and would do almost anything to keep them.

Then I grew up. I learned that people were not to be trusted because they would only end up hurting me. I learned that I hated answering my phone and was even worse about returning phone calls. I learned that friendships took time and energy, and that they were not always worth the time and energy spent. I learned that if people knew I was gullible and nice, they would take advantage of me.

So I stopped making friends.

Then I got lonely. I realized that my husband did not want to hear me rattle on about my day’s tasks or my crochet hobby or parenting styles or homeschooling methods. I realized that I really did need someone else to talk to who understood what I was going through as a mom, a wife, and a woman. In short, I needed a friend.

So I started making an effort. You know the saying “to make a friend you have to be a friend.” I tried and failed several times to “be a friend.” I could not forgive offenses. I could not let things go. I was constantly insecure about my standing in that friend’s life. I thought it was unacceptable for them to see me as anything but perfect the way I was. I thought I could judge their life and tell them what to do, but they were not good enough to tell me what to do.

Ugh. Those words are so ugly. I am repulsed by my own pride. You see, I am not anywhere close to perfect. I have made a ton of mistakes. I have hurt people and been incredibly unkind. My pride does not want anyone to know my secrets. It does not want anyone to find out how I really am because it is not pretty. My pride wants to keep my past under wraps.

“God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

I need His grace. So I am going to have to let that pride go, which can be terrifying at times. The amazing thing about His grace is that it has brought me from death to life. My dirty, rotten past can now be used for His glory because it is a clear picture of His grace at work in my life. I can honestly look at the good things in my life and know that they are not there because of me. I have no reason to boast. Any good fruit in my life is there because God is kind and very patient with me.

Now the friendships I have and will make in the future will exist because of His grace and will last because that same grace can be extended to others.

I like hanging with my friends, talking 'bout my B.F.F. Big. Friends. Forever!